now adjacent to our Menard's parking lot
"Loving American the Al Franken Way"
Chapter Five in Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
by Al Franken
"I've made a list that takes a good, hard, if quick, look at our great nation's history, pointing out the good and owning up to the bad. It's not meant to be a complete list. For example, I've left out the Gadsden Purchase of 1849, which was something of a mixed blessing. This list is more a bittersweet love song to the world's only remaining superpower, that majestic, though slightly flawed, country that I call home.
Salem witch trials -- bad
Revolutionary War -- good
Slavery -- bad
Ending Slavery -- good, but hard
Civil War reenactments -- weird
Massacring Native Americans and breaking our treaties with them -- bad
Indian casinos -- ?
Child labor during the Industrial Revolution -- bad
Child labor mowing lawns and babysitting -- character-building
Labor movement creating the weekend -- good
Land grant universities -- hot
Rural electrification -- hotter
Social Security -- hottest!
Dictating pop culture for the world -- mixed
Selling Saddam Hussein chemical weapons in the eighties -- In retrospect, bad
Louisiana Purchase -- bargain
Grand Canyon -- wonderful, though we really can't take much credit for it -- no wait:
National park system -- really good
Leading human genome project -- probably good
Genetically engineering super race of unstoppable killers -- bad, but probably inevitable
Winning World War II -- wow!!!
Creating democracy in postwar Germany and Japan; laying groundwork for European peace and prosperity in second half of twentieth century -- right on!
The Greatest Generation -- greatest!
The Greatest Generation -- best - seller
Liberty -- good
Justice for all -- would be nice
Bill of Rights -- great! but Second Amendment could have been clearer
Putting man on the moon -- awesome, if true
Supporting vile dictatorships in Iran, Indonesia, Iraq, Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Congo, Paraguay, Haiti, El Salvador, Bolivia -- bad
Parades -- wholesome fun for whole family
Gay parades -- exuberant expressions of individuality often featuring highly imaginative floats and costumes
Conducting horrific medical experiments on African - Americans in Tuskegee -- bad
Japanese Internment camps -- good. Wait, what were these?
Truman Doctrine -- smart
Vietnam -- mistake
Winning Cold War -- credit all around, to postwar Republican and Democrat presidents alike
Gross human rights violations in name of winning Cold War -- credit all around, except to Jimmy Carter
Women getting the vote -- good . . . for women! Just kidding. It's good for everybody!!!
African - Americans getting the vote -- good . . . for African - Americans. Kidding again. Good for Democrats!!!
Making mistakes -- bad, but inevitable
Correcting mistakes -- good, but not inevitable
Calling those who point out mistakes "unpatriotic" -- itself unpatriotic
Owning up to our mistakes -- brave
America -- home of the brave" (24 - 27)
P.S. Al Franken for President!
Dream Ticket: Colbert & Franken (in either order)!